What a whirlwind

This weekend has been crazy. The boy got here on Friday and I still can’t believe he’s here. It feels like he never left and like it’s been a lifetime all rolled into one.

There’s so many bad factors involved in this and I know how bad of an idea this is. But I have been so very happy this weekend, a feeling I rarely have.

I have a terrible migraine so I’m the only one up. You can only watch someone sleep for so long before it becomes creepy. My legs also feel like someone beat me up so that’s no fun. I noticed that there’s icy hot spray but I don’t know if that will help or hurt considering my skin sensitivity.

The reckless part of me is kicking in and I need to reverse that fairly quickly. Every time I get to that level I end up crazier than normal and swing to hypo mania and back over and over every day. On the plus side, no purging since Tuesday-although I’ve hardly eaten. BUT I ate pizza today for the first time in I can’t remember when and kept it down. I feel like that’s an accomplishment all on its own.


he’s coming.

It’s happening. He’s coming to me. I am so nervous and excited and scared and I can’t breathe.

After 2 years, I will see the love of my life. It’s been longer since I’ve seen him not behind glass. He’ll be here on Friday. I don’t know how to act, what to do. But I can not wait for a hug. And I’m never letting go.

everything hurts

Today I am in so much pain. Physically, my fibro is killing me. My knees (especially the right one) is absolutely horrid with shooting pains.

Mentally, I am so very very sad. The love of my life, who I’ve had a tumultuous (to say the least) relationship with, and who is almost done with the court systems, almost out of the halfway house, almost free and clear, had a bad reaction to some substances and almost died. He’s ok now, although his mind is still fuzzy.

We’ve known forever that even though we we were separated for quite some time, due to jail (him) and job relocation (me) that we were meant to be. I did some extremely terrible things to him in our past and I can never fixed those things. I used his getting locked up as a weak excuse to get (even more) strung out on pills and cheat and continue to break him down when he needed me the most.

I do not deserve his love. And yet, I have it. I believe that we’re soul mates. He is so scared and lost right now and I’m 1300 miles away. My heart is breaking that I cant be with him to hold him in his hotel room tonight. I am so scared for what will happen tomorrow when he goes back to his halfway house and faces his potential worst case scenario. I don’t know how or what I will do if he goes back in.

I am also so very mad. Mad that he was so close to being done and fucked up again. I want to believe that he will come out changed, but due to recent events I have my doubts. I’m sure he doubts my loyalty and honesty. But this is real. It’s real because in my selfish existence, I only care about him and his safety.

Here’s hoping things work out.

On dying

A friend of mine asked me an interesting question yesterday. If I died, would I be alone? The answer is sadly yes.

I don’t allow anyone to get close enough to me to really love them. Or more accurately, I love them until they love me.

I put on such a nice act. Corporate Barbie with the pearls and the dresses when in actuality my brain is on fire. I spend all day so immersed in my job and worried that everyone is out to get me that I don’t live. I don’t do anything exciting, I can’t remember what I ate today, and I can’t remember the last time I was overwhelmingly happy, at least while sober.

I spent all night last night crying. I don’t know why but I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m trying not to binge. If I’m not binging I’m crying. Crying for the years I’ve lost and the memories I’ve forgotten and the dreams I’ve let go to just exist. If I died today there wouldn’t be one interesting thing to say about me. Except she was as druggie whore who would rather spend her time in the bathroom than participating in life.

I don’t want my story to end that way.

the beginning

You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad.

An accurate quote to start this blog off. My real blog. Not tumblr reposts and pictures of puppies.

Trying to get healthy,trying to get happy,trying to fix the holes and gaps and ugly parts of me.