A song after a hard day, Rob Thomas – Her Diamonds

I love this so much.

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I Finally Realized I’m Not Alone

Thought Catalog

“Please let today be a different day. I want to be normal.”

Those have been the immediate words I have said to myself every morning for about 10 years now. While my friends sat down for lunch every day, they would merrily enjoy eating their bagels with butter, bags of Doritos, and washing it down with a pouch of Capri Sun. My mom would pack my lunch every day containing similar items, yet every bite was a struggle. If I had soccer practice after school, I would gain a sense of relief knowing that those Doritos would easily be burnt up in 10 minutes of constant sprinting. The idea of getting skinnier has tortured my mind each and every day.

When these thoughts were an initial trigger in my head, I distanced myself from everyone as much as possible. The summer finally hit, so it was the perfect opportunity to…

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going home

Every time I fly home I get so nostalgic. I remember how much I love my mother and my best friend and drinking and eating Mexican food. It’s hard for me to remember what a death trap that place is. At least 10 people I know have died since I moved. Overdoses and suicide and car wrecks. Such a sad place to live.

It takes me coming back to TX to remember that I have a life here. I have a better job than I would ever have had at home. I make double what my mother makes. I work with international currency and arrange shipments for ‘important’ people. I usually feel like I hate my job. But at least I have one.

Flying home in 9 days is exciting and scary. I’ve done it so many times but it always makes me anxious and happy and sad. I’m still so sick but my head’s better. I don’t want to jump off a bridge anymore–not that I was going to anyway. The only plus side to stopping my meds is that I can feel again–I actually cried and laughed and had fun. Unfortunately the 1000 mg amoxicillin hasn’t kicked in yet. Speaking of, these are the biggest pills I’ve ever seen.

Anywho, I’m rambling. Back to West Wing and OJ.

so very sick

I’m so very sick. Double ear infection with an eardrum about to blow. My head’s a mess. I feel like I don’t have any reason to continue on with this pitiful excuse for a life. All I do is work and sleep and I don’t DO anything. I can’t focus on anything positive in my future, I just feel like I’m destined to rot until I die.

All I want to do is sleep. Constantly. I don’t have any urge to get up, to shower, to eat, to function. I want to feel better. I’ll even take 10% of the time feeling better. Doesn’t seem possible. I stopped taking my anti-depressant without weaning myself off (great idea, I know) and all I want to do is burn my house down and jump off a bridge.

I hope this gets better soon. I don’t know what will happen if it doesn’t.

work

I work with a bunch of 30 something children. I spent all evening listening to grown adults crying and whiling because they’re more worried about what other people are doing than themselves.

Someone said ‘well I don’t get as much downtime anymore’. It’s work. It’s your job. No one agreed on you having X amount of downtime when you got hired. I wanted to scream at them all and tell them to suck it up. I hate every aspect of every second of my job but I don’t sit in meetings and complain because I do more work than the supervisor beside me. I go to work every day and do my work even when everything hurts and even when I would rather spoon my eyes out than be there.

I guess I’ve developed a sinus infection or something. My throat is so sore and I’m coughing up bloody crap and my ears hurt. But it’s hiring week and I have 4 interviews in the next 2 days and 2 presentations to create and I can’t miss a day. I’ve been chugging mucinex but it doesn’t seem to want to help.

Did I mention I hate my job?

Nothing seems real

I feel really disconnected. Like I’m not sure if I’m coming or going. I can’t remember what I did a few hours ago. I can’t remember if or what I ate yesterday. I don’t know what’s up with my head lately, just a big fog. My right leg is killing me and giving me a lot of trouble at night and Xanax isn’t even helping me sleep.

I go back to the rheumatologist Monday to add what I’m sure will be at least 1 more medicine to my old lady pill regimen. Six prescriptions a day to feel like death constantly. Totally worth it. I can’t imagine how I would feel without it. I just wish this would all go away.

Every day it crosses my mind multiple times that I probably won’t live past 30. How depressing. Instead of making me get up and do something with my life, it just makes me want to give up more.My job makes me want to spoon my eyes out. My body makes me want to throw up and cry. My life is like a bottomless pit of sorrow and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it.