Nothing seems real

I feel really disconnected. Like I’m not sure if I’m coming or going. I can’t remember what I did a few hours ago. I can’t remember if or what I ate yesterday. I don’t know what’s up with my head lately, just a big fog. My right leg is killing me and giving me a lot of trouble at night and Xanax isn’t even helping me sleep.

I go back to the rheumatologist Monday to add what I’m sure will be at least 1 more medicine to my old lady pill regimen. Six prescriptions a day to feel like death constantly. Totally worth it. I can’t imagine how I would feel without it. I just wish this would all go away.

Every day it crosses my mind multiple times that I probably won’t live past 30. How depressing. Instead of making me get up and do something with my life, it just makes me want to give up more.My job makes me want to spoon my eyes out. My body makes me want to throw up and cry. My life is like a bottomless pit of sorrow and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it.

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One thought on “Nothing seems real

  1. desdemonad says:

    I also never thought I’d live past 30, with my health, lifestyle, and mental illness’s, suicidal urges. But, I managed to hang in there and here I am 45. Still struggling but alive. It does get better : )

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