Today I found out that my boyfriend was up all night arranging an escort service. This did not actually take place, but I’m at a crossroads. If i make him leave, he is essentially on the street. He gets too high on this designer research chemical to the point that he loses all control of his mind. yesterday i had to explain to him how to brush his teeth. He still couldn’t get it.
He refuses to admit that he has a drug problem even though he was catatonic for about 30 minutes yesterday. The stress of caring for an infant-like drug addict is making me sicker and sicker. And then the prostitute thing. I can’t let it go, and it gives me so much anxiety that I could claw all my skin off just to get away.
This song reminds me of another life. One that I lived until 2 years ago when i moved and I stopped opiates cold turkey. I didn’t think I could do it. But I did. I’ll never know what would’ve happened if I would’ve stayed in VA. I would probably be dead.
Today I am in so much pain. Physically, my fibro is killing me. My knees (especially the right one) is absolutely horrid with shooting pains.
Mentally, I am so very very sad. The love of my life, who I’ve had a tumultuous (to say the least) relationship with, and who is almost done with the court systems, almost out of the halfway house, almost free and clear, had a bad reaction to some substances and almost died. He’s ok now, although his mind is still fuzzy.
We’ve known forever that even though we we were separated for quite some time, due to jail (him) and job relocation (me) that we were meant to be. I did some extremely terrible things to him in our past and I can never fixed those things. I used his getting locked up as a weak excuse to get (even more) strung out on pills and cheat and continue to break him down when he needed me the most.
I do not deserve his love. And yet, I have it. I believe that we’re soul mates. He is so scared and lost right now and I’m 1300 miles away. My heart is breaking that I cant be with him to hold him in his hotel room tonight. I am so scared for what will happen tomorrow when he goes back to his halfway house and faces his potential worst case scenario. I don’t know how or what I will do if he goes back in.
I am also so very mad. Mad that he was so close to being done and fucked up again. I want to believe that he will come out changed, but due to recent events I have my doubts. I’m sure he doubts my loyalty and honesty. But this is real. It’s real because in my selfish existence, I only care about him and his safety.
Here’s hoping things work out.